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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26062552">Open Your Heart</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeanniebillroth/pseuds/jeanniebillroth'>jeanniebillroth</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>ER (TV 1994)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Bipolar Disorder, Eurovision Song Contest 2003, F/M, My First Fanfic, Romance, Songfic, Trust Issues</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 11:34:54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,260</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26062552</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeanniebillroth/pseuds/jeanniebillroth</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Carter worries about Abby. (Originally written in 2003, set in season 9.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>John Carter/Abby Lockhart</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Open Your Heart</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is the very first fanfic I ever published - back in 2003, on ff.net. :) And here is the author's note from back then:</p><p> </p><p>  <i>Alright, since this is my first Carby fic, please be gentle … It is set in season 9 (of which I only know some episodes due to the fact that I live in Germany where season 9 hasn't been aired yet), after the screen went black at the end of "Tell Me Where It Hurts". It's from Carter's POV. So please read and then review, I'd love to know what you think about it!</i></p><p> </p><p>  <i>Oh and I don't own Carter and Abby and I don't own the song of which I borrowed some lines and the title ... It's called "Open Your Heart" and was presented by Birgitta (from Iceland) at this year's (2003) Eurovision Song Contest!</i></p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>After having tried to call her for a hundred times at least, Carter had found Abby in the apartment with an untouched glass of wine standing on the table. Alright, she hadn't had a drink so far, but he didn't want to try and imagine what she could have done if he hadn't found her before it was too late.</p><p>She had told him about Eric and how she felt that the only consistent thing in her life was lost, now that he suffered from manic episodes as well.</p><p>Carter had tried his best to convince her that that was not true anymore. He would be there for her to hang on to, whenever and however she needed him. Sitting with her at the table he had promised her that he would never go anywhere. That he would stay with her and not let her down like so many people close to her had done in the past.</p><p>Over the course of the evening Abby had made him promise over and over again. He had obeyed to her wish, every single time. Knowing that she needed this kind of comfort, desperately.</p><p>He would probably never be able to understand fully what her childhood had been like and how the traumatic experiences from back then would haunt her for the rest of her life, in one way or another.</p><p>But tonight it hadn't been about trying to understand what made her feel so alone and overwhelmed. It had just been about comforting her and proving to her that she could trust him, that she could allow herself to love him without constantly feeling the nagging fear that he could disappoint her.</p><p>He would do no such thing, never. He was very sure of that. What he wasn't so sure of was whether she also knew this. He had no idea how he could make her understand that she had good reason to believe everything he said.</p><p>
  <i>Reach out, I'm right by your side,<br/>
Exactly where I want to be,<br/>
The sum of you and me is we.<br/>
</i>
</p><p>Carter was sitting on the living room sofa and couldn't feel his left leg. It had fallen asleep under the weight of Abby's head in his lap. He didn't know for how long they had been sitting here like this, but apparently it had been long enough for his leg to go numb and for Abby to fall asleep curled up in a tiny ball next to him.</p><p>He took a look at his watch. Half past one in the morning.</p><p>Rubbing his eyes with two fingers of his left hand, he decided to put Abby to bed and then get changed and catch some sleep himself. It had been an exhausting evening.</p><p>And, boy, would they be sorry in the morning if they spent the entire night on the sofa.</p><p>Carefully, Carter slid both hands under Abby's head and lifted it from his lap, so that he could get up from the sofa without waking her. He didn't want her to wake up, now that she was finally asleep and resting.</p><p>After having stretched his aching muscles and feeling sensation returning to his leg, he gathered a sleeping Abby into his arms and made his way from the living room into the bedroom where he lay her down on her side of the bed. </p><p>For one night it wouldn't do her any harm to sleep in her clothes, he decided. Planting a small kiss onto her left cheek, he turned out the light on the nightstand and stood there in the dark for at least a minute, looking at her and feeling very helpless.</p><p>He covered her with the blanket and headed for the bathroom to change and brush his teeth. Abby stirred slightly when he left her bedside, but went back to a deeper sleep immediately.</p><p>As he stood there in front of the bathroom mirror, applying toothpaste to the brush, something occurred to him.</p><p>She hadn't cried a lot – practically not at all, although she had seemed pretty down to him. Lost, alone. Shouldn't she have cried?</p><p>He had seen her almost literally swallowing that lump in her throat time and again when their conversation came back to Eric and her worries about him. Her eyes had been burning with a sadness that seemed overwhelming to him. It hurt him to think that his girlfriend had to feel so sad and confused and that there wasn't much he could do about it… except listen to her when she wanted to talk (which didn't occur so frequently) or just hold her when she needed to be held, but didn't want to be talked to. (This was the case most of the time.)</p><p>He felt that Abby held it all back. Perhaps she didn't want to bother him with her worries, perhaps she didn't trust him enough to tell him everything?</p><p>That was his Abby. She still had trouble showing her emotions in front of other people. Sometimes, like tonight, even in front of him.</p><p>
  <i>Everything you share with me<br/>
Turns a little darkness into light,<br/>
And that is how we're meant to be<br/>
Truth will keep the light shining brighter.</i>
</p><p>He rinsed his mouth with water and spat into the sink one last time. The toothpaste<br/>
taste was almost gone. He could go to bed now.</p><p>Carter slipped under the covers and looked over at Abby's sleeping figure.<br/>
She had been lying there with her back facing him, but suddenly she turned around and mumbled something he couldn't understand. Her brow furrowed for a second, but then her face relaxed again.</p><p>Propping himself up on his left elbow he looked at her more closely. Brushing a strand of brown hair out of her face, he lovingly grazed her cheek with his thumb. It felt wet. Tears were running down her cheeks. Now she was crying. In her sleep. All alone. He felt sick.</p><p>
  <i>Every time you close your eyes<br/>
I can see the light that you're hiding.<br/>
Like a shadow in the sky<br/>
Of an eagle's wing when it's gliding.<br/>
Don't be afraid, I'm not gonna run away,<br/>
Don't let it wait until it's too late<br/>
For what you have to say.</i>
</p><p>Carter sighed and turned onto his back. He stared at the bedroom ceiling. He felt even worse now than he had ten minutes ago. Abby didn't share her trouble with him. She cried in her sleep instead.</p><p>He wondered tiredly whether there really wasn’t any way for him to help her cope with it all. It looked like there wasn’t much more for him to do than to accept the situation for what it was. He only wished she would allow herself to trust him completely.</p><p>As Carter slowly drifted off to sleep, in the back of his mind still agonizing over why Abby's life was such a mess and she wouldn't allow him to really help her, the refrain of a song he had heard some time ago came back to his him.</p><p>
  <i>Open your heart,<br/>
Show me the pain,<br/>
It's all part of who you are.<br/>
Tell me your dreams,<br/>
Your hopes and your fears,<br/>
Just open your beating heart to me.</i>
</p><p>Oh, how he wished that she would finally let down her guard and make life easier for herself. That she would open her heart to him. He would definitely not run away from her, she could trust him. He loved her way too much to hurt her.</p><p>
  <i>Let go and just show me who you are …</i>
</p>
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